I have a juicy secret that you may spark some feelings and opinions in you, possibly even some judgments. It’s all good because this secret is too important not to share with you. It has changed my life forever. I don’t know where I would be emotionally, spiritually, mentally, or physically without this difficult life lesson. I lost friends, respect from colleagues, and a lot of rumors were circulating about me because of all of this. Regardless of all the shit that happened, I stood in my truth. My hope is that my story, my truth can also help you in your journey and to stand in your truth.
Six months ago, is where this story starts. Actually, it starts way before six months but six months ago is when the universe gave me a huge wake-up call. Six months ago, I was a Clinical Director of an outpatient, mental health clinic supervising the program and team. I recall this conversation very clearly that became my “ah-ha” moment. I was having a discussion with a team member about her work performance and needing to meet her productivity requirements. She quickly broke down as it was the first anniversary of her mother’s passing. She started to explain how she is trying the best she can. I advised her to take time off for herself to heal and grieve as our job was very stressful. She started to justify why she could not take time off, explaining how it will “look bad” for her and how we (management) expects certain things from her. I remember this moment very clearly because it was a defining moment for us both, except I didn’t realize at that moment it was meant for me too. I looked at her, and I said with compassion and conviction, “I am talking to you as a leader, a woman, a friend, and human to human. You DO NOT need anyone’s permission to take care of yourself. Not mine, not your bosses’, not your husband’s, not corporate’s, NO ONE! You HAVE to take care of yourself because no one else will. This is a job, this is a corporation and business will go on with or without you. Besides, when you pass away it will not say on your tombstone ‘here lies a good employee.’ It will say ‘here lies a loving wife, daughter, friend, etc.’ ” We finished our conversation, and I went back to my office.
I sat down at my desk, and it hit me over the head like a lightning bolt. Holy shit! Here I was giving her advice, a directive even, while my stomach and back were inflamed. I was walking around holding my back with ice like I was pregnant because I was in so much pain. I was battling depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, dehydration, and stress. I had to get real with myself. I thought to myself, “wtf Christina take your own advice, you are falling apart! You also do not need anyone’s damn permission to take of yourself.” Ironically, that was me permitting myself to take time off to get surgery, heal my stomach, get to the bottom of my illness, and recoup. I had a million reasons why I couldn’t take time off to take care of myself, such as I am a boss and bosses can’t take time off like that, my peers will talk too much crap and my company will look down on me, what kind of example will I be setting, then I am leaving my duties to be covered by someone else, etc. I could no longer make excuses for myself, or care about the what-ifs. I was suffering. I was ill. I had to face the truth of the matter, and that was in the condition I was in I was no use to my children, my clients, or my team. I finally said yes! Yes, to myself for once. Yes, to my life. Yes, to my health!
A well cannot give water when it is empty.
This story does not end there. Giving myself permission to take care of myself was just the first step. I quickly realized that I had to make a plan for myself. I could not just sit home and be depressed or feel sorry for myself. I decided I had to start slow and go back to the basics of addressing my mind, body, and soul. I was determined to heal myself! I decided every day I would do one thing to address all or one area of these three areas. I decided I was going to be kind to myself and do the best I could. I had ups and downs, good days and bad.
It took me about three months to get out of stress-go mode. Meanwhile, I was hearing from my co-workers that a lot of rumors were circulating about me good, bad, and straight up funny- none of them correct but no one circulating or believing these rumors bothered to ask me. I also had to deal with people’s opinions about my decision. I know some of those opinions came from a good place, but I was ok with allowing other people’s views to remain their own.
After I was able to get off stress mode, my medical leave was up. I was not by any means “healed” from my chronic fatigue, stomach issues, or depression. I felt like I was just starting to feel some relief. I struggled tremendously with an important decision. You see since 2005 I have wanted to open a wellness center. Everyone who knows me has heard me talk about this vision and passion. During these three months out of work, I had a huge shift spiritually and mentally through my daily practices. I realized for two years I had outgrown my current job, but I loved working there, I loved my clients, my team, and helping others. My job was convenient despite the high stress. In my spiritual work, I realized the universe had bigger plans for me and my spirit guides were showing up nudging me for a long time, and I did not listen…. Until I was forced out of work. I truly felt it was time for me to follow my bliss, follow my soul’s calling that I had been ignoring and making excuses why it was not the right time. I struggled still to have faith in this realization. I had fears of leaving my job, being able to make money and provide for my kids, and what my family and friends will think.
I prayed and meditated on it. The funny thing is I knew with everything in me quitting my job was the answer, and yet I still asked for signs. Listen, if you ask for signs, you better be open to receiving them because your guides and angels will give them to you and they sure did. I asked for signs of signs, haha I am not kidding. I wanted to be sure because I would be giving up my source of income, my source of providing, my status, and my reputation within the company.
I was sitting at lunch on a beautiful, sunny day after meditating in an infrared sauna. I asked for a sign, and I got it. I felt a sense of peace, support, and love come over me like a wave. I knew with every cell in my body this was God answering me saying, “I got you! Trust in me. Trust in the process and all I have in store for you because I have plans to use you to help others and fulfill your calling as a lightworker in a different capacity now. I want to work through you to help others with their spiritual journey and awakening through healing, growing, and elevating.” I had to release all my fear and again give myself permission to trust and have faith in my soul’s purpose and calling. I emailed my company’s Human Resource Department and my boss to resign from my position.
After I made that decision my best friend and I decided we were going to commit only to what brings us joy because our livelihood depended on it. We continued to feed our mind, bodies, and spirits in various ways. Not only did my stomach issues improve significantly, so did my skin, my sleep, my mood, and my creative flow which is how and why I started this business. I knew I had a story to share with a purpose and passion.
I will be honest, I lost friends, and co-workers who I thought were friends, as well as the ability to be rehired at my previous company since I did not return to work after my medical leave was up. It was disheartening to be treated this way after everything I did for the company and team, but I stood firm in my truth and decisions. I stood humbly and boldly before these people and explained that I owe no one an apology or an explanation, that is their need and problem, not mine. I sent them love and light and released them.
I am not perfect, I still have my ups and downs like everyone else, but following my threads of joy and staying committed to my health and wellbeing in mind, body, and soul has been a lifesaver and game changer. It was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself and my journey here on earth. I hope that my story and struggles will inspire you to give yourself permission to take care of yourself, share your story, and stand in your truth. 💖
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In your journal please answer:
- When did I experience standing my truth and what were other people’s response to me?
- What have I struggled with that forced me to make a big decision and/or make positive change for my life? How and what did I do to make these changes?
Thank you for sharing, and for your bravery to share honestly, and open-heartedly for yourself. You inspire me and those around you! We rise together!
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Love & Light,